ron white if you quit listening i'll shut up transcript

Then they were on the news in Atlanta where i live, Both of these assholes, live on the news goin’, “Ron White is out of control. And i got to admit, I was dreadin’ it, Then i ended up havin’ fun. Because this dick won’t suck itself, that’s why. I see these big 350-Pound guys all the time goin’, I have never cheated on my wife. It has an eye, And it has two ears, And a double chin. Which you know is bullshit, ‘Cause you know as well as i do, If a guy likes strange, gettin’ him to quit wantin’ strange Is like gettin’ a dog who likes to kill chickens to quit killin’ chickens. Then as soon as they’re around their buddies, It’s, like, i wonder what kind of cologne he wears. By song four, there’s 400 people Behind the boat, listenin’ to her sing. He loves that nickname. I owed the I.R.S. She called me, just squawkin’. I’m shittin’ in the street.” “Did you… What the fuck was that?” “That’s that chick Ron killed.” They call this jabber gulch. I’ll bet that was tough. They’re leavin’ the harbor so fast, There’s a surfable wake. You can stop those tests. When I started doing stand-up, they said that made me an independent contractor, And they said I needed to start filing my taxes quarterly, which I thought meant every 25 years. He lost so many sponsors, I’m thinkin’ about Bringin’ him over to ron white inc. Not because we need a new face for the company, I’d just love to have somebody around the house To take the heat when i fuck up. It’ll just fuck you up. About Press Copyright Contact us Creators Advertise Developers Terms Privacy Policy & Safety How YouTube works Test new … Your email address will not be published. Sex is sex. Call it Ted’s head. The yellow blur. We were down there, stayin’ at the fairmont hotel, Overlookin’ the little yacht harbor in monaco. He’s in college. I sprained my fat roll. We were down there lookin’ at the yachts the day before, Goin’, wouldn’t it be cool if you knew somebody That had one of these things? If it means that much to you. Walks out of the room, slams the door. His new special "If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up" is now streaming on Netflix. She’s seen it. She serves it with a lipitor and a stent. Okay, i’ll leave. My new year’s resolution this year was to lose some weight, try to get in better shape. Do i leave? You just get this Cadillac fired up, and headed towards Austin. I’ve been waitin’ for a year to fuckin’ see this show. Come on, honey, let’s just go back to the hotel. They really dig jazz. I thought you got hit by a bus. My mother used to drop me off at the library when i was a kid, And i was always so intimidated by it, ‘Cause it was so big, And you had to be quiet, ‘Cause the knowledge is sleeping. And if there was a soundtrack, It was always so fucked up, you couldn’t understand it. We have a little french bulldog named Pearl, And the other day, my wife said, “I finally figured it out. And she said yes, which I knew was a lie, Because she’s the biggest liar I ever met in my life. We wouldn’t be there in 15 minutes If we were where you said we were. Very few people privy to that one. The talented funnyman delivers his bawdy jokes the only way he can: with a cigar in his hand … So we’re on the back of this yacht, And Robin goes, come on, margo, sing for us. That motherfucker knows what he’s doin’, I’ll tell ya that. This dentist is 14 years old. We’ve been monitorin’ it. One: anything has the potential to become a DUI checkpoint if you crash your car into it. Make no mistake about it. We should be there in 15 minutes.” I’m, like, you’re in the fuckin’ bathtub. Ron “Tater Salad” White dishes out his signature brand of cynicism, riffing on sex, celebrity and the sinister habits of wild geese. “Where’s the knowledge that i seek?” “Yeah, somebody else has got it.” “When are they gonna bring it back?” “They keep it for a month for a nickel.” “How am I supposed to learn what i need to know?” “You asked your mother?” “My mother doesn’t know how to work a projector. It happened to me, and i think you’re so hot, I’d fuck you anyway. I’m so proud of him. Turns out there’s a reason they didn’t name ’em ocean ponies. They’ll figure it out, But i used to sell millions of comedy albums, And now, it’s hard to sell ’em, ‘Cause it’s just so easy to fuckin’ rip it off. Ron White Trailers & Videos. And margo gets up and she sings, And they love jazz in france and monaco. It’s amazing. I’m, like, how cool is this, man? So Laurie told me, that’s my ex-Wife’s name. They don’t. You have a show to do in four hours. “I’m a street shitter. And it got to the point where every time He got caught with another woman, My wife would go like this. And so, I was talkin’ to… My wife and I live in Atlanta and Hollywood, And we were out in California, And I said, I’m leavin’ today at 3:30 to go to Las Vegas, and I have an airplane that you guys bought me. Bullshit. Come on, baby, it’s time to go. My wife came home with a story the other day. He goes, uncle Ron, Did you know it’s okay to be gay? When he got through with the procedure, You could still tell which tooth he worked on, ‘Cause it was a different color. I was talkin’ to my friend Ted the florist that lived down the street, and I just asked him how he does it. Bye, baby. '” “We make a big commitment. “Shit, yeah, we do.” “We have a shit ‘road. In fact, the other day, I sat my dick down, I looked him straight in the eye, And I said, listen… I know I’ve drug you into some pretty muddy shit In the last 35 years. I like to suck dick, and I like to cook. Shoe buddy. I can’t believe a man would commit such transgressions towards his wife. Not a condom, a raincoat. I would’ve shot my fuckin’ self. I’ve known him since he was six. I said, so you mean to tell me there’s no ham in this? Prince albert of monaco’s yacht. You go to a Lakers game, you wave at Kobe Bryant till your arm falls off, He won’t wave back to you. Now I’m gonna close the show this evening with my Dr. Phil story. Great to be back. You’re gonna need to pat that down. That’s why I’m turning you. So if I lay down on the floor, sometimes… she didn’t do it last show, so you have to be quiet. I was lookin’ down at the track. Marry the most famous frisbee golfer in the world. Pat it back up again. We’re just… I’m really in love with my wife. Get another toaster. She goes, “you’re gonna need to talk to your son about sex. They’re ruining my goddamn night. Oh, baby, we gonna make it to that show, you don’t worry about that. This is not the direction i wanna take my crowd For my show. He said yeah. When he got off the ride, he climbed over two fences, and went through two gates tellin’ him not to, to retrieve his hat, which it turns out, he didn’t really need, after all. She goes, “when are you gonna do it, Ron?” I said, he’s gonna be at the house this weekend, So i’ll talk to him then. My dick has ears. Get the best match reports, opinion and live blogs from Mirror Sport now And she sits down, and doc goes, Well, ron, you wanna do somethin’? Before, it was a little disturbance right behind me. I was broke. He goes, okay. You know how I get when all that jabberin’ starts. You don’t hate that guy. Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up (2018) This Is Not Happening (2016) Ron White's Comedy Salute to the Troops (2015) He’s a great kid. 5:31 gets there. I love you. I was in Bakersfield, California, Wednesday night. Wonder what she’s got on under that snuggie. I said, thanks, doc, Thinkin’ i’d made a big step towards something, i don’t know. My teeth looked like Indian corn. So i tour, that’s what i do. People think they’re expensive to make, but it’s, like 14 bucks. Put these on, baby. So i was, like, yeah, fuck, this is great. I guarantee that. It’s a celebration is what it is. My wife told me all women want the same thing. Hit his first famous golf shot on television When he was two years old. You can do what I do. He’s the most recognizable face, 6’4″, bald dome head, porn mustache. Ron White is hilarious as always but it sounds like Ron is using a boom mic while each and every audience member is hooked up with a lav mic. ‘Cause he is the most famous person in America. “Oh, dad, come on.” Nope, you’re 15 years old, it’s time we had this talk. Thanks for comin’ out. What’d i do? Comedy Central Presents. Not to me, but to the fine folks at the mirage, It goddamn sure did. You suck my dick like Ted the florist? Give it a couple of twists, see if it’s hooked to anything. “He gonna stick his finger in her ear?” “No, his penis in her rear. The cutest thing you ever saw. She broke his tiny Tiger heart. Some of ’em got regular jobs, But they met those people that were in the movies. Never. The internet (and soon to be movie, TV, radio, etc.) A guy actually stopped my show a few weeks ago, And he goes, wait a minute now. I have this recurring dream that my wife gets run over by a bus. And she finishes the first song at full voice, And people stand up on the back of all these yachts, And start cheerin’. I’ve seen it. Wasn’t even news at all. Here’s the moral question: Do you pull out… Or dump a load into her lungs? My wife’s best friend, her husband cheated on her, and my wife hates tiger’s guts, and I’m like, what about that guy? Comedian Ron "Tater Salad" White brings his provocative humor to The Genesee for one night of side-splitting standup. April, may. She’s so much fun, so talented. I was workin’ on it yesterday, And i hurt my fat. Turn that TV back on, boy. He’s smart, he’s funny. And margo’s a four-And-A-Half octave Classically trained opera singer That sings rock and roll and jazz and whatever. You’re beautiful. When a brother and sister fall in love with the same man, ensuing events shatter a traditional Marathi family. Right before i’d land in a town, They’d call the cops, tell ’em it was a drug plane, So the cops would come fuck with me. We get on the yacht, and there’s our friends from california, Halfway around the world. You’re goin’ back to college, mom. Right before i came, my dick slipped And went straight down her tracheal tube. Everything’s perfect, except… Right behind me, these two chicks Are just jabberin’. We were at their house labor day, And Louis informed me that he was gonna run the 40-Yard dash for the special Olympics at Gwinnett high school near where I live in Atlanta, And he asked me if I’d come root for him. Her contention was that if you had an argument With an adult, and you disagreed with him, You certainly wouldn’t hit him. It’s the only thing that doesn’t suck. Now they really love Margo. First time my wife gave me a blow job, my hands went numb. Some guys are never put in that position, And that’s way fuckin’ easier. And i defended him to my wife. I answer the phone, he goes, uncle Ron, is that you? I come from no money. Ron White was born in Dawson Creek, British Columbia, Canada. I love his mom, man. And you can't unfuck the housekeeper. I just have so much fun when I’m here. They got together, they had these beautiful babies, And those babies grew up and met other babies From the same area, they got together, And had even more beautiful babies. All right. Birth Name: Ronald Dee White. You had no problem with pearl jumpin’ on my stomach, And sayin’ she could have all my babies at the same time. Austin, Texas, how the hell are ya? It’s not really heart healthy. I didn’t even know they had laws. You have your toe in my nose. He didn’t even know I was there. Demoted: Junk. She goes, “would you please call Louis the yellow blur?” Put him on the phone. That whale got his job back. That’s some good goddamn news for dad to hear. Then he gets caught with number 13, 14, 15, 16. stands for, you probably got one, too. They could scatter. You could open a head and breakfast. If i had to guess, And i did… Have to guess. That takes a little goddamn discipline right there. Some guys are put into a position where they have to say no to beautiful women, and that is hard to do. Really? You almost can’t eat ’em after that. All right! Afterwards, I lay there like a wounded manatee. No. If I tell her to bite my face, she’ll run and jump up, and land her mouth right on my face, so I’ll bite it, so, sh, sh. Louis’ll stop and sign an autograph. I was doin’ a corporate gig in Orlando where he goes to college, and i was backstage with him. I said that. Tiger doesn’t get any credit For all that pussy he turned down, And that’s the number you’re lookin’ for right there. She goes, “I’ll have you thrown outta here.” I said, if you don’t quit flappin’ your fuckin’ cock holster. Shoe buddy. ‘Cause his core fan base is men, And I don’t know one guy in America who gave a fiddler’s fuck what he did. That’s not true. I don’t know how it got caught.” Maybe that 14-foot fin hangin’ out of the dumpster. And she walked into the kitchen. I’ll run the fuck out of amuck with you. I had her murdered and buried in the desert. I’m not kiddin’. But i said it. Pee in my face, See what the fuck happens. All rights reserved. Which didn’t make sense at first, And then, it started rainin’. Fuck, if this thing goes off-Road… I got a natural mudder. I would like to see my dick on a wide-Screen TV. I worked for ’em three years, didn’t even know it existed, because they knew if I found out it existed, that I’d pester the fuck out of ’em till they put it in my contract, which is exactly what happened. I love Tiger, man. Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up 2018 18+ 1h 3m Comedies Ron “Tater Salad” White dishes out his signature brand of cynicism, riffing on sex, celebrity and the sinister habits of wild geese. The taping was his first for the streaming service, and has launched a resurgence, of sorts, for White. When i was a kid, i had to earn porn, man. This guy had sex with 100% of the women He possibly could his entire goddamn life. There’s people in the back, partyin’ on all these yachts. And she says, “I’m workin’ with a guitar player in the studio till 5:00. I’m, like, 4,000 in a row or some ridiculous goddamn number. They wanted to do eight teeth on the top, And six teeth on the bottom, And i was, like, how much is that gonna cost? “I shoulda crosed the rid.” Yeah. My family’s tryin’ to watch the show.” She goes, “fuck you. This one episode was about guys that were straight porn stars, but were doing gay porn ’cause it pays five times the money, And they’re interviewing this guy, and he goes, “Yeah, I was in a scene yesterday with five guys at the same time, and I’m not even gay.” I was, like, you’re gayer than I am. I don’t know. That is so fuckin’ wrong, man, To take a 50,000-pound majestic animal, And serve it up two tiny slices at a time. That tastes like butter honey Aged in lindsay lohan’s pussy. Not about the show, just jabberin’. Louis is fan friendly. I tell you what happened. And if you’re one of these guys goin’ around in grocery stores tellin’ married women they’re beautiful, Hey, fuck you. Just click, click, outta my I.R.A., into your i-Fuckin’-Pod. That’d break my concentration. And it’s everybody’s yacht, man. Now it’s my problem. It’s my favorite room in the whole wide fuckin’ world. For more information, visit www.tatersalad.com. And you never know, if you see somebody on TV, what they’re gonna be like in person. He’s funny. That’s not my Dr. Phil story. At 5:31, I am wheels up, and i am fucking gone. Not those people in Kansas. His special “If You Quit Listening, I’ll Shut Up” is now streaming on Netflix. I’m gonna slip off to hell. My brain won’t wrap itself around shit that complicated. My wife bought me a bicycle, Thinkin’ i might ride it.

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